Daily Life with Bipolar Disorder

As many with this disorder may know there are days when just getting up and out of bed seem to be an almost impossible task to handle. 

When depression kicks in all I want to do is just lay in bed and sleep the day away. I feel the lack of energy kick in and drain me of any excitement that anyone else with out this disorder feels. I gets to the point where I wonder if my own life was meant to sleep it away day by day. Left to wonder how long it will last.

Around the holidays, things get worst. Seems like every support system that I have has abandoned me just because they seem not to be interested in dealing with me when I'm in this state of mind.

When the depression passes comes a wave length of hypomania and mania episodes where sleep is the furthest thing from the mind. During these episodes, I am most destructive to myself. I feel like there is all this money in the world where I can spend and not have to worry about anything else that is in my life at the moment. 

When hypomania and mania episodes get too extreme, anger kicks in. The littlest things make me so angry until I blackout. This is where I have to take the time for myself so I can re-evaluate how I am going to handle everything and that includes myself. When I get to the point of blackout anger is what I fear the most. Every little thing can be detrimental to myself and stability seems no where near possible for me.

Then there are days when everything meshes altogether and I have the most difficulty maintaining the smallest tasks. During these days nothing matters to me because by the time I have one thing figured out another episode gets in the way of that task. This is where my racing thoughts come into play. The whole day seems like one big blur. These are the days that I fear quite a lot. These days go along with my blackout anger days as most feared days.

When I go through anger phases or mixed episodes are the times I prefer to be alone due to the fear.

Even being on medication for this I still don't feel fully stable. Leaves me wondering why I had to have this disorder. Makes me wonder why I ever tried getting in relationships.